He...

He makes me feel beautiful. I'm so glad I found him.

Tapping old emotions

I didn't like being in such a low point, but I think it was during this time that my greatest emotional expressive output was brought forth. I knew that when I was in a better place, that I would miss it.

These past few weeks have been a journey back to that place, but I don't know if it's worth the visit. But oh how I miss it...

The chase

The need to "find yourself" is always exhilarating, terrifying, and motivating. But it can also be quite exhausting and frustrating too.

Rainy day

I've been running around so much that I really needed a rainy day like today to keep me at home and to stay put. I really need days like this to regroup.

The sound of the rain, the cars driving through it, and listening to Adele has brought me to a place that I forgot I could go to. Some emotionally rich place, where I wish words could describe. But in the meantime, I will just share it here. I miss being here. It's been so long. 

#relationshipparanoia

Worst relationship dream ever:

I was showcased in a room for my single hood and the person talking about me was saying that I was trying to find my true love or something.

Next thing I know, my dad makes a deal that some older guy (or I think it was 2 men?) wants me and he pays my dad $320. I am sold for $320!

Then I panic at the fact that I now "belong" to this guy I don't know, and I tell my dad that I don't want to marry him because I don't even like him or any of the men that were in the room.

My dad tells me his reasoning was that he couldn't bare to see me single anymore and that he wanted me to have children already.

So the rest of the dream, I'm hoping to serendipitously find my true love. The first guy I ran into and tried to figure out if he was the one, was russian and didn't speak english, so I ruled him out.

Then I snapped out of the dream. WHEW, it's not real. I woke up feeling pretty startled, and I still feel that way even after sharing it people. EGAD. lol.


The fact of the matter is, I am paranoid that I will be single forever, but I don't want to just settle in any relationship, just to satisfy the status quo. The wanting of children is a toss-up, and wanting to get married is too. Simply finding someone that I care about is all that matters, and for some reason, it feels impossible, though everyone tells me that he's out there. 

OMG LONGING.

I think I'm ready. I don't want to delay, even though at an earlier time I was fine. There's plenty of time.

But I don't want to find myself getting bored or missing out on chances....

Where is my strength?

There was a time when I was stronger.

I've lost that.  And my voice.

Or at least, it's there, but it doesn't know how to come out.

Trying to find myself again

Something about listening to The Current, and staying in today really set the mood for something familiar.  Confidence has grown.  Starting over is still hard.

I feel like I'm finding my old self again, which is kinda good, because I miss it.  There's a lot of frustration and feelings of not being satisfied lately.

Looking...

I keep telling myself and others that if it happens, it happens.  It's not a priority while I'm starting over.  But what if it doesn't?  Should I be the one to be proactive?

I kind of dream and can almost what it must feel like to be in that place.  But I'm also worried about it ending.  

I will take it as it comes.  I enjoy this time, but...

Must get into gear

I told myself that working hard more than ever, starts now.  I just need to get there.

What am I doing? I'm posting quiz results.

Main Type Overall Self Take Free Enneagram Personality Test Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||| 30% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||| 54% Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||| 58% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 42% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 58% Your main type is 7 Your variant is self pres Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Frickin' stressed to no end, but am optimistic.

I'm very stressed out about the new adventure that I'll be embarking upon, but I'm very excited.  Dreaming big things...

Listening to Jonsi while doing this helps enhance the experience too. hahaha

I'm being really ambitious here...

I think I was meant for something great.

Jónsi - Tornado (Full Studio Version)

My current mood:

Michael Giacchino's Oscars acceptance speech

Read it: http://oscar.go.com/nominations/nominees/up/3335 (you'll want to check out the video via the Oscars website too).

Where the heck was this guy when I was younger?

I'll move on though and take his advice and run with it now.

Thoughts at the moment

I wanna fly
And never come down
And live my life
And have friends around

-"We Never Change" by Coldplay

Temporary hopefulness.

For a brief moment, I feel as though I can conquer the world again. Or that I'll be able to reach new heights and awaken my potential that has been dormant for so long.

I'm dreaming big.

Lost? (Yes, I'm kind of thinking of Coldplay)

I just want to stop feeling lost already. It's driving me nuts.

A feeling of hope...

I feel a sense of euphoria this afternoon. More like hope...that things are going to get better. I'm going to find myself in a better place in my life, and that I'm going to do a lot of positive learning.

It's been SO long since I've felt anything like this before. I'm going to hold on to it while it lasts.

An inexplicable feeling of yearning and curiosity among other things...

I have a bad case of wanderlust. Really bad. It's been an on and off "craving" or "need" that I've had since last summer. Ugh.

I'm not sure what I should be doing about it (or at least I think do, but I don't want to talk about it here ahha).

I just wish that people could see that these small things in life that we busy ourselves with, don't matter in the big picture and that so many of us are missing out on so many things happening around us.

I'm not sure if any of that made sense...it probably will when I look back on this in a few months.