He...

He makes me feel beautiful. I'm so glad I found him.

The chase

The need to "find yourself" is always exhilarating, terrifying, and motivating. But it can also be quite exhausting and frustrating too.

Rainy day

I've been running around so much that I really needed a rainy day like today to keep me at home and to stay put. I really need days like this to regroup.

The sound of the rain, the cars driving through it, and listening to Adele has brought me to a place that I forgot I could go to. Some emotionally rich place, where I wish words could describe. But in the meantime, I will just share it here. I miss being here. It's been so long. 

#relationshipparanoia

Worst relationship dream ever:

I was showcased in a room for my single hood and the person talking about me was saying that I was trying to find my true love or something.

Next thing I know, my dad makes a deal that some older guy (or I think it was 2 men?) wants me and he pays my dad $320. I am sold for $320!

Then I panic at the fact that I now "belong" to this guy I don't know, and I tell my dad that I don't want to marry him because I don't even like him or any of the men that were in the room.

My dad tells me his reasoning was that he couldn't bare to see me single anymore and that he wanted me to have children already.

So the rest of the dream, I'm hoping to serendipitously find my true love. The first guy I ran into and tried to figure out if he was the one, was russian and didn't speak english, so I ruled him out.

Then I snapped out of the dream. WHEW, it's not real. I woke up feeling pretty startled, and I still feel that way even after sharing it people. EGAD. lol.


The fact of the matter is, I am paranoid that I will be single forever, but I don't want to just settle in any relationship, just to satisfy the status quo. The wanting of children is a toss-up, and wanting to get married is too. Simply finding someone that I care about is all that matters, and for some reason, it feels impossible, though everyone tells me that he's out there. 

OMG LONGING.

I think I'm ready. I don't want to delay, even though at an earlier time I was fine. There's plenty of time.

But I don't want to find myself getting bored or missing out on chances....

Looking...

I keep telling myself and others that if it happens, it happens.  It's not a priority while I'm starting over.  But what if it doesn't?  Should I be the one to be proactive?

I kind of dream and can almost what it must feel like to be in that place.  But I'm also worried about it ending.  

I will take it as it comes.  I enjoy this time, but...