#relationshipparanoia

Worst relationship dream ever:

I was showcased in a room for my single hood and the person talking about me was saying that I was trying to find my true love or something.

Next thing I know, my dad makes a deal that some older guy (or I think it was 2 men?) wants me and he pays my dad $320. I am sold for $320!

Then I panic at the fact that I now "belong" to this guy I don't know, and I tell my dad that I don't want to marry him because I don't even like him or any of the men that were in the room.

My dad tells me his reasoning was that he couldn't bare to see me single anymore and that he wanted me to have children already.

So the rest of the dream, I'm hoping to serendipitously find my true love. The first guy I ran into and tried to figure out if he was the one, was russian and didn't speak english, so I ruled him out.

Then I snapped out of the dream. WHEW, it's not real. I woke up feeling pretty startled, and I still feel that way even after sharing it people. EGAD. lol.


The fact of the matter is, I am paranoid that I will be single forever, but I don't want to just settle in any relationship, just to satisfy the status quo. The wanting of children is a toss-up, and wanting to get married is too. Simply finding someone that I care about is all that matters, and for some reason, it feels impossible, though everyone tells me that he's out there. 

OMG LONGING.

I think I'm ready. I don't want to delay, even though at an earlier time I was fine. There's plenty of time.

But I don't want to find myself getting bored or missing out on chances....

Where is my strength?

There was a time when I was stronger.

I've lost that.  And my voice.

Or at least, it's there, but it doesn't know how to come out.

Trying to find myself again

Something about listening to The Current, and staying in today really set the mood for something familiar.  Confidence has grown.  Starting over is still hard.

I feel like I'm finding my old self again, which is kinda good, because I miss it.  There's a lot of frustration and feelings of not being satisfied lately.

Looking...

I keep telling myself and others that if it happens, it happens.  It's not a priority while I'm starting over.  But what if it doesn't?  Should I be the one to be proactive?

I kind of dream and can almost what it must feel like to be in that place.  But I'm also worried about it ending.  

I will take it as it comes.  I enjoy this time, but...

Must get into gear

I told myself that working hard more than ever, starts now.  I just need to get there.